I found this. I wrote it about two years ago. It's an interesting introduction into who I am, or was, or both.
Introduction
This will sort of be an autobiography, I suppose. It will just be something where I gather thoughts and beliefs, dreams, the future, the past. Although it is nothing like a diary. It really is not. Please do not be taken-aback by the colloquial style of writing I write with, that is confusing because it uses formal words and sentence constructions every once and a while. I am just a scatter-brain, a random being, if you must know. Anyway, this autobiography (we will call it and autobio for the sake of it) will be divided into mini chapters, more or less about a paragraph, a lengthy paragraph that is, each. So, shall we start? Yes. We should.
My Future
I guess it is kind of strange that the first thing I want to tell you about myself is how I deem my future will be. I want to start backwards, an abnormal idea to not start with the beginning, and not with the end, but somewhere in between. It all started, actually, as I was walking home from the tedious bus stop. I have to walk a tedious lengthy road. Well, while the day looked beautiful and I walked upon this road, I thought about what I want to make of myself. I thought realistically, and in a reverie fashion as well. I looked up into the sun, into the sky that goes on forever and ever and stays a lovely invigorating blue. I thought, and I thought with an open-mind as I dragged my Converse shoes on the pavement, and walked in my normal fashion: as a klutz, wishy-washy. I dragged on, all the while looking up, carrying my massive school bag on my back, burdening me, causing me to hunch over, but I tried to stand tall. I clutched my German magazine in my hand that I got from my German teacher. I began to freeze up; the wind gave me the chills. I smashed my hands into my pockets and saw my shadow and my life laid out before me. I thought: what I want is what everyone wants. That is fame, for the world to know my name. I looked at the sky that strikes me with fear and awe, and thought. I thought about how it connected the whole world, from every point, every stretch. I thought how I want my name to be known like the sky, to stretch to every foreign land. What do I want? A mere fantasy. A band, something involving music, or a movie. Or then again a novelist. No, that would not do. Fame and competition is not my calling, at least I unfortunately think so. Then I thought, I have power. I possess talent, and ambition and endurance. I have the strength to carry on with my dreams. I could, if I really worked hard at it. What if that was my destiny? To become famous, to be known by all. Strange snow-like plant droppings began to fall from the sky. I know that sounds funny. The seeds, from what many call “Wishies”. The flowers where you make a wish. They seemed to be a great parade, an entourage for me, the girl who could some day be that famous someone. Make a wish. I didn’t. I knew something was holding me back, but what was it? I looked at my surroundings, almost home now. I thought, what if I were to be a world traveler. That ever-connecting sky seemed like something I wanted to be like. I want to see and travel the world. I want to learn of the different cultures. That is what I am destined to do. I know it. I need adventure, discovery, wonder, awe, fascination, and the ability to learn. I love to know the many types of people, I love it. I love the thought of seeing the world. I love the thought. I love the thought. But I look at my shadow, a stretched image of me. Taller, my hair blowing in the wind. I love my hair, so wishy and washy. That’s not the point though. I was thinking, why can’t I be whatever I desire? Then, I felt like someone was watching me. I knew no one was. I thought, I thought. What is holding me back? Why can’t I fulfill my dizziest daydreams? Why will I probably end up settling for a teacher, not that that’s a bad thing? I wanted to scream, sing, let myself be known. Then my dad pulled up behind me. Finally, an answer.
The Constant Internal Struggle
I am always worried. A constant internal struggle gnaws at my heart. Will people accept me for who I am? For my dreams, my passions, my beliefs? Or will they crush me, crush my hopes. Leave me in the dark. With no where to go. Do people believe in me? Do they care? Will they laugh at me, bully me, tell me my dreams are impossible? Will they approve? No one can understand anybody fully because no one is a mind-reader. But I have two sides of me. One that creates an illusion. The happy, perky, carefree little girl. The smart one, with the good grades, who always smiles. What about the inside of her? The hopeless, confused inside. The sensitive, confused, teary-eyed girl. The one who just does not know. Does not. The constant internal struggle. Will the knot it my throat ever come undone? Probably, because my thoughts run freely through my hands and clearly. They clearly explain. The knot is still tied for now. The internal fight is still just beginning.
Education Hurts
I just want to scream. Miss perfect. Everyone expects me to be flawless and irreproachable. One little mistake, then the sirens go off. They all point, they all laugh. I am not prefect, no where close to it! And I am tired of being the smart one. The one who knows everything. Sometimes I do not understand. I don’t get it. I don’t know everything. But people insist. She is so laudable, so perfect. Are they just jealous? Why do they make such a big deal? I was always the smart one. The perfect one. Yet no. I am never praised. Is it worth it? No one cares. The bar is high. Set real high. Education hurts me. I am a perfectionist. I admit to it. I am afraid of mistakes. Failure is something that makes me crumble when I hear it. I am never good enough! I always need more! Education hurts.
Education Usually Doesn’t Hurt
Little mistakes, some frustration, but education is for the better. It does not hurt always. Only on rare occasions. It usually helps. It opens new doors of learning. It opens the world. Education is for the better, definitely you need it. Without it, it would all be so terrible and dumb. Literally.
For the Love of Germany
I don’t even know why. Don’t get me wrong. America is great. But sometimes I prefer the quiet oasis of Europe. Well, maybe it’s that whole fact that it’s not quiet. There’s so much to discover, so many people, so many beautiful sites. It’s great in Europe. I love it, new lands. German is the language I prefer. When listening to music at least. Nena, Silbermond, Tokio Hotel, and Juli. I love it. I’m not an average American teenager. Sometimes I think I just might belong in Europe, or at least should be travelling there all the time. That’s why I can’t wait for this summer when I go.
What in The World is Life?
Did you ever think of that? I have no clue what in the world life is, or what is supposed to be, but hey, I think I love it. Whatever life is, it’s pretty darn great. It’s interesting. People, time, and the world. What is it all? I don’t know. You don’t know. No one will know. But how to deal with this? And what am I? What is a person? What are people? What am I supposed to be? How am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to do? What am I? I am….I can’t even say. What am I? What oh what?
They Asked Why?
The other day my sister asked me why I liked German so much? No reply. My mom asked me why I like orange so much. I don’t know, I just do. That’s what I said. But those are good questions. Why? Why is the sky there? Why don’t I understand? Why do I get so angry? Why so jealous? Why do you love em’? Why so confused? Why so sensitive? Why so nervous? Why so worried? Why so fake? Why so real? Why do you feel that way? Hey, why? WHY? Does anyone know the answers. Why no. Why, I don’t think so. Why why? Why, oh why? Don’t wear the word out, Anna. Don’t. BUT WHY? Who knows? Not me. HILFE MICH!
Every Letter in The Alphabet and Me: An analogy.
Ok, to try to get you to really know me, I will use every letter in the alphabet as a word to describe me. Here it goes.
A-atypical I am not at all usual.
B-bratty Some times I can be a real jerk.
C- crybaby I am overly sensitive, and I know it.
D- dreamer I like to dream big and sort of forget about reality. Plus, I daydream lots.
E- energetic I am the hyper type, full of life.
F-frantic I am known to worry much, and get a little crazy.
G- gregarious Sociable, friendly, amiable, empathetic: me
H-happy Most of the time, I am laughing and smiling.
I-imperfect Gosh, I am so far from it, perfect that is.
J- joyful I can make you laugh with my strange ways probably.
K- kooky That is definitely me.
L-lively That is pretty much me.
M-mad I truly believe there is something wrong with me( not in that angry sense.)
N- nice I try to be.
O-optimistic I usually try to look on the bright side, unless I am way depressed.
P-petty I am so probably not even worth the time. I’m not important.
Q-quirky Try to find all my quirks, you’ll be bored to death----literally. Too many.
R-rebellious I like to debate, I like to prove I am right, and I like to rebel.
S-sweet and sour I guess I’m b for bipolar too.
T- tacky I am kind of corny. Mostly insane.
U- Unbelievably sad…..in a melancholic sense, and a sense that I am so weird it’s sad.
V- very confusing….. E for enigma: me. There is so much more than meets the eye.
W-wistful I always dream about traveling, and love stories, and all that pathetic stuff.
X-there is no adjective that starts with x! so this is a freeby….How about ugly?
Y-young I am only 13. It’s not like I am seventy!
Z-zesty I don’t even know what it means.
Well that is me in a nutshell I guess.
I Am……
A singer. A songwriter. A dancer. An actress. A dreamer. A wisher. A lover. A weirdie. A vampire. A teenager. A sensitive baby. A pretty ugly girl. A performer. A musician. A writer. A Nena lover! A German rock fan! An eighties girl stuck in 08. A fashion designer. A unique person. A changer. A revolutionist. A leader. A traveler. A person. An American. A Catholic. An enigma.